Eating disorders are very complex illnesses and an individual suffering from a eating disorder often take a long time to recover or gain management over their condition. If you are worried about someone but struggling with expressing this to them, then here are a few suggestions that may help:-
- Through SEED you are able to get in depth literature and resources to have a better understanding of what an eating disorder is.
- Be aware that if a person is poorly or showing physical signs of an eating disorder, it is imperative that they are monitored by the GP or in extreme cases, if they are medically at risk, taken to A & E.
- When the time is right, share your concerns with the person and offer to give them information you find helpful.
- Don’t put pressure on the sufferer. This may only back them into a corner whereby they feel they are losing control.
- SEED offer a large range of services for both the suffers and carers or loved ones!
- It is up to the sufferer to want to change, be patient and supportive and most of all look after yourself.
- Your journey may not be easy – Don’t suffer in isolation. We are here to help you!
Returning to school can be traumatic to the sufferers and they may find it difficult to adjust back into school life.
Your life carries on: new friendships develop and new things happen whilst their life has been on hold. They have been isolated, receiving treatment, perhaps in a unit or a hospital. They wont know what is happening with school work. The will struggle as they slowly make their way back into the school environment. They will facing the pressures of needing to be accepted and not feel isolated and lonely. Remember, just because they are back at school does not necessarily mean they are fully better, everyday will be a struggle and that’s where you can make a big difference.
What was it about your friend that you liked. What was it that attracted you to them? What did you enjoy about being around that person?
That person is still there. They are still Jo or Mary or Tom but they have been ill, and they have an eating disorder.
Don’t isolate them because you are frightened or if you say the wrong thing.
Don’t expect to get it right all the time. Your friend will thank you for trying.
Ask your friend if there is anything you can do to help them. Offer to support them while trying to catch up with school work. Make sure they are included in discussion, if you see them alone invite them over to join you.
If you get it wrong, don’t be frightened to admit it say …“Do you know, I am so sorry if I got that wrong, can you help me to understand so that I can get it right next time?”
Communication is a wonderful thing—check in with your friend.
“Is there anything you need?”
“Are you ok?”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Don’t comment on their weight. Instead compliment on the colour of their jumper, their new hair style perhaps or
simply say how nice they look today! Compliment each other in general—and embrace that compliment. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves and this is guaranteed to lift everyone’s spirits.
Talk about your love interests, fashion and music. Talk about the things you would usually talk about with your friends!
Why not invite them to join you next time you go out —if they say they are not ready yet, reassure them that they are welcome to come along next time!
They will feel supported and one day they will join in but be patient and don’t give up on them.
Give them a ring out of school hours, just to say hi!
Send them a card to say you are thinking about them
Make them feel accepted and part of the group!
Mealtimes are a nightmare! They will feel they are being watched and that will just make them more anxious.
Make lunchtimes fun, chat and talk about anything other than food, weight or stick thin celebrities.
Try not to treat them differently, although for a while their needs will be different to others. As time goes by they will gradually become stronger in body and in mind!
Remember they still might still be struggling physically and will tire more easily. Often sufferers only attend school part-time until they are physically stronger.
It’s important to note that not all of your school peers will be compassionate or practise any understanding about the situation. Don’t allow sarcastic remarks from insensitive people to go unchecked. If left unchallenged those comments will only upset your friend and they will struggle with the eating disorder even more. Remember their self esteem may already be very low!
Try and make the conversation positive. Whenever your friend shares something they are finding difficult. Ask them “What do you think you need to do?”
Listen to what they are saying don’t just hear it! Ask if there is anything you can do to help! However, don’t take control away from them, this will only challenge the anorexic thoughts and feelings.
Allow the friend to take responsibility for their well-being.
Encourage them to seek support if you think they are struggling again. This should not be seen as a weakness but as a positive that they do not want to slip back to a dangerous level.
Don’t Try ‘Too’ Hard! But…do try to get the balance right!
When someone is low in weight, one of the side affects is that concentrations levels are low and they are unable to focus for long periods of time. The brain is a muscle that shrinks when starvation has been prolonged. Tiredness and fatigue is common in people suffering from an eating disorder.
If they are given a little longer than others to complete a piece of work or sit and exam this is why.
Try and understand and see this from their point of view. How would you feel if this was happening to you?
Personally Affected Referral Form:
SEED Eating Disorder Support Service Personal Referral Form – Fill in form
People who suffer from an eating disorder have a very low self esteem. Help them feel good about themselves.
Some things not to say:
- “You look well.” (to the person will think they look fat)
- “You look good now your cheeks have filled out!”
- “I can see you have put a bit of weight on!’
Some things you can say:
- “Your hair looks lovely!”
- “I love it when you smile you are so beautiful!”
- “That colour really suits you!”
- “I love you!”
– Get back to the laughs and leave the heavy stuff to the outside support!
Finding Appropriate Help!
Even if someone is not accessing help it does not mean to say it is not there. Check in with the SEED to find out how to go about this. We have had years of experience and have helped hundreds of people.
Be sure you are both singing from the same song sheet! – What you think should happen might not be what the sufferer wants to happen. Help is just a phone call away (01482) 718130.
Try to relax around food!
Food is the one thing that consumes the Sufferer thoughts every waking minute of the day. The lack of it, eating it, avoiding it, becomes their way of life! Give your partner the opportunity to forget about that for a short time, just a few minutes a day would be a good start.
When you get the opportunity, sit down and relax. Perhaps this may be when the kids are tucked up in bed, snuggle down together and watch a film, catch up on the day but consciously avoid discussion around food.
This can be done at a time suitable time for both parties. Don’t discuss food issues in front of the children. It is not good for them to hear about it and secondly there needs to be a relaxed environment. Kids in the background, loud television and dogs barking does not make for a comfortable setting. Put the romance back in your relationship. You may just have a walk together, go out and have a coffee. Treat them to some flowers. Remind them why you love them!
Research
It could be that you are finding it hard to deal with some aspect of the illness. Perhaps you don’t fully understand something. Research about the illness and try to understand. There will be some twists and turns that make the illness very complicated to understand. Maybe we will never fully understand, how can we if we have never suffered ourselves?
Our website has a wealth of information available and will save you hours of searching. You are able to link in with lots of excellent sites. Take a look!
Mealtimes
Try and create a relaxed environment, chat about the day and do not make food the focus. If you like the television on at mealtimes this might act as a distraction from food. Alternatively put on some music or just catch up on the day’s events.
If your partner finds it difficult to eat with you then invite them to sit with you while you eat.
Don’t ask what they have eaten this will only cause unrest for them. If they have tried to eat something praise their efforts for trying. Say encouraging things like: “I am so proud of you.”
Difficult Conversation
No doubt you will have an honours degree in saying the wrong thing! If there are issues you need to talk through, agree in advance when this would be possible. Examples of how to express yourself are:
- “I am finding this difficult…I would like it if you could help me to understand this better.”
- “How can I support you Perhaps we can talk about this.”
- “I can only imagine how difficult it may be for you. when you are ready to talk please let me know.”
– Respect if they are not happy discussing something, ask when it would be a good time.
The Bigger Picture
Try to focus on the bigger picture and those small steps towards recovery. Focus on the little things: that extra fort sip, that bite of the biscuit you were saving to dunk in your tea! The shopping trip without distress, that night out you enjoyed together! That night in without any upset. That hot drink before bedtime. That extra snack. Those couple of chips off your plate!
We are not experts! We are not the people to make them better! But with lots of TLC, lots of support and lots of love you will be giving lots of help! Feel good and look after yourself! Give yourself some me time. Recharge your own batteries.
Recovery can take many years. Take one day at a time and good luck with everything.
Personally Affected Referral Form:
SEED Eating Disorder Support Service Personal Referral Form – Fill in form
Useful books for carers or loved ones of someone sufferings from an eating disorders are below:
– Lynn Crilly
- When we discuss eating disorders, there’s a tendency to focus on the sufferer. Yet there are millions of concerned parents, carers, friends and relatives who are confused and frustrated – both by their own personal circumstances, and by the abundance of potentially misleading information. Hope with Eating Disorders offers real understanding of the mind-set of someone suffering with an eating disorder, plus an extensive description of the various treatments available for the many and varied types of eating disorders that exist. With interviews from some of the world’s leading experts, it sends the message that real, full and lasting recovery is possible, despite what we are so often told.
How to help your child eat well and be well
– Eva Musby
- Practical scenarios around meals with your anorexic child: dialogues Anorexia and other eating disorders: How to help your child eat well and be well.
Skills-based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder
– Prof Janet Treasure
- Skills-based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder equips carers with the skills and knowledge needed to support and encourage those suffering from an eating disorder, and to help them to break free from the traps that prevent recovery.
8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder: Effective Strategies from Therapeutic Practice and Personal Experience
– Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb
- This is no ordinary book on how to overcome an eating disorder. The authors bravely share their unique stories of suffering from and eventually overcoming their own severe eating disorders. Interweaving personal narrative with the perspective of their own therapist-client relationship, their insights bring an unparalleled depth of awareness into just what it takes to successfully beat this challenging and seemingly intractable clinical issue.
All the books we recommend above are available to read in our Resource Room.
An eating disorder has a profound effect on anyone who is part of their lives. Carers and loved ones need support to understand the difficulties, the complexity of the illness and the direction for the best support for the sufferer.
It is important that carers and loved ones keep safe at all times. If you do not pay attention to your emotional needs you may find dealing with disordered eating difficult. Unless you are united in your approach, an eating disorder can destroy families and relationships.
SEED are here to support you too!!
Carer’s Referral Form:
SEED Eating Disorder Support Service Carer’s Referral Form – Fill in form